Nocturne

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If you intend to spend any amount of your time following this blog there is one thing you absolutely must know about me. I once sincerely believed that I was a literal vampire.

The evidence at the time seemed very convincing. First of all were my canines, which I considered to be abnormally long. Of course, I never added into my calculations my awkward off bite that neatly avoids the canines altogether leaving them sharp and pointy.

Second was the fact that I loved being upside down, be it on the monkey bars or hanging off the edge of my bed, I loved the flow of blood to my head. There really hasn’t been a kid that hasn’t liked hanging upside down, but that wasn’t something that entered my head when I actually was a kid.

Thirdly, and what I thought was most damning, I loved blood. I loved the taste of it, the weird way it bled out as I scratched at a bug bite and then congealed like a rock. Knowing what I do now as an adult it seems pretty obvious. I was born an anemic, which means I don’t get enough iron in my blood, which therefore means my blood tastes sweeter than healthier blood without that heavy metal taste.

Fourthly and finally, being the actual point of this post, I am completely nocturnal. And I do mean completely.

I have tried to get on the “normal” schedule since forever, to no avail. No matter how much sleep I may get in a night it always feels more natural to sleep during the day, especially a sunny day, than it does at night. When left to my own devices I sleep from five or six in the morning til three or four in the afternoon, my energy only really kicking in around sevenish.

The obvious problem being that with very few exceptions the modern world doesn’t run on my schedule. Short of finding a night job and saying goodbye to the waking world I am on the same nine to five track as the rest of us.

My theory as to why I am nocturnal is even sadder. I think it was programmed into me as a child because everything that happened to me happened at night. Every major screaming match, every abuse, practically every bad thing I ever experienced. So I am always on guard at night at my most alert, whereas daylight makes me feel safer. Same reasons I always have my bed in the farthest corner of the room away from the door.

The thing is, now that I am free of that hell, I still don’t want to change it. There is a magic at night as the world shuts down when you can sit in the dark in silence on a laptop typing and you feel like you are the only soul left on Earth. That is my witching hour when I feel most free to let the day go and be me in earnest.

I write this to you now, ten thirty at night, so that you can understand how powerful it is to find that magic time for you. You plug into that and I swear you will feel a million times more free than forcing yourself any other old time.

So what is that special time for you? How do you compromise that with real world demands? Me, I’ve just given up on the whole sleep thing. That is what weekends are for!

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4 thoughts on “Nocturne

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  1. I’m sorry for everything you’ve experienced, but take it from someone who’s been there, you shouldn’t give up sleep. If you can’t align with the rest of the world, don’t. You don’t have to, you shouldn’t have to. You previous sleep timings were fine, 6am to 3pm. At least you were sleeping. Go back to that, it doesn’t matter if it isn’t normal. But if you want to be normal, I think you should talk to some professional out there. Fighting your fear yourself is not easy, trust me there’s no harm in getting help. I have too and I feel no shame in admitting it. It’s important sometimes, that’s what therapists and psychologists are for. Other than that, I hope you continue writing xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, I have been to a therapist and it was very helpful. I take plenty good care of myself, but sometimes, like everyone else, there are hiccups that need to be overcome.

      Liked by 1 person

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