Pardon me for the coming TMI, but I was under the impression that the uterus was supposed to help in regulating the female hormones. Not, in fact, to drown you in them to the point you don’t even feel comfortable in your own skin.
These are my hazy days, where I cannot connect to anything in the universe as my body revs up for the coming three or more days of an utter bloodbath. I float around, no matter where I am or what I’m doing, and I literally feel like I’m watching my life on a movie screen.
And, as my luck would have it, mine hits the very first day of Camp NaNoWriMo.
As we stand now, I am at 200 words. Let me tell you, just getting those few out felt like I was vomiting all over the page. And I am disgusted to look at them, and I am disgusted that it is all I have produced in spite of having a full free day to do nothing but write.
There is nothing wrong right now in my life. My apartment is cozy and tidy, I am well fed and watered, I have nothing really weighing on my conscious from work or otherwise, and I am well rested. It is only this god awful sick feeling, and there is no way to treat other than waiting it out.
Every action feels so wrong, and every perceived fuck up is magnified in my head tenfold. Which is making me hyper alert for potential screw-ups before they happen. Thus meaning I am especially weakened against my inner editor as I write.
Even just writing this post makes me want to cry, or chew on something soft and fleshy like some rabid animal in my frustration. Not at all aided by my upstairs neighbors hammering away at something stupid.
But still, I go on. I have my fresh new novel tab opened right next to this one, and I will keep adding whatever I can get by my inner editor until I fall asleep at the keyboard. Which may be lamentably sooner than I would like.
Things will look up though, and I can only hope that the coming thunderstorm and the obnoxious flash flood alert from my phone are heralding my coming writing inspiration that will see a mighty surge of word count.
Still, likely not, as I contemplate adding this post to my word count only to find it hasn’t even reached 400 words. Heavy sigh…