I don’t know what I am doing. Never have, never will. I flit from day to day as oblivious as a fish caught in a current and just roll with whatever life gives me. And any rare attempt to take charge of myself and direct my life is usually met with a firm smack down from karma or some other cosmic force.
Then it also tends to shift in the other direction if I stay in one place too long. Suddenly I find myself no longer fitting my situation, and have no choice but to move in a new direction. For example, I lose a job and am broke and still need to figure out how to get a car so that I can start searching for a new one.
Not current events, as of yet. But this has happened before. It gets to the point where I have nowhere else to go but this one direction, and once I achieve that life finally settles to where it should be. It sucks, and there is much hair pulling and teeth gnashing on my part, but it gets shit done.
But then the question becomes, what do I do when the universe doesn’t give me direction? Without this vital input, do I even have a purpose at all? This has been a failing of mine since forever. I have always been the reactor and not the decider, so when there is nothing to react to I get lost.
With that in mind, picture now my mental state as I attempt for the first time in my life to make a major change without intervention from the universe. Oddly enough it is going a lot better than even I could have imagined. Even as it teeters daily towards, oh my god what the fuck am I doing, it usually comes back to a sense of calm.
When neurotic me can manage to set up four interviews, prep for them, and manage my full-time job and all its chaos, you know something is moving in the right direction. And when that same prone to excessive panicking self even feels like sitting down and writing with all the drama circling around, you have to feel at least a little proud.
Honestly, I think the universe is relieved that I finally can make a move on my own. Between the inner peace and the little things that each add up to say that I am on the right path, I feel like I do know what I’m doing.
My car dies, I have a best friend who works the same hours and only a few minutes away from me. I have to schedule an interview during my usual work hours, and then I’m able to switch days by working Sunday instead of Monday. Nobody working Sunday to be able to give me a ride, my crazy mother volunteers herself to work that day giving me an out.
Everything is falling into place, so long as I stay quiet and slow down enough to pay attention. And every day I just close my eyes and stand in awe and absolute gratitude for what life is handing me. Even as stressful as it may be right now, at least what I have on my plate is manageable.
And when you’re sitting at a table making twenty different phone calls and find a poor abandoned dragonfly trying to force himself through a solid window. Then manage to corral him enough onto your notebook to get him back outside and have him decide to stay with you several minutes as you wait for your ride, how can you not take that as a positive sign?
True story, just check out the photographic evidence.