It might be the tons of caffeine and sugar I have ingested since awakening this bright Sunday morning, or it might be the fact that I start a completely new job tomorrow for which I have no frame of reference. But I am vibrating and entirely unable to settle in my own skin.
For those following the story, two weeks ago I accepted my first position with the state of Maine as an office assistant. The benefits being guaranteed full time, health care, paid time off, and as my mother would point out I would have every ‘fart sideways’ holiday off. An improvement over my now ex-retail gig by leaps and bounds.
So, leaving a job I know inside and out in favor of a position where I have no real background accept from a long ago computer lab course in high school. Understandably I am not feeling all that confident. And I am wondering, more than a little, as to how I even got hired for it in the first place.
Worse still, I chose this. No real life circumstance forced me to make this decision, I could have gotten by with my old job. I might have had to move back home to cover a new car payment and insurance as my poor beast finally was laid to rest, but I would’ve survived.
But even as I write this, and even as I want to scream at the top of my lungs before running to the closest pile of blankets to hide, I am okay with it all. I am ready like I never have been before. Ready to fall flat on my face and pick myself up, ready to make an ass of myself and laugh it off, and I am ready for something new.
It feels like this is right. And even as I cannot settle in my own skin I still feel perfectly placed in the universe. If you can make any sense of that. Like I am curled up safe in bed with an itch under my skin that I can’t quite reach. I might feel off, but the world around me is doing alright.
You know, aside from the threat of nuclear war and white supremacist violence becoming a new norm…
I don’t pretend to know more than I really do. And for all I know the world might be falling to shit all around me. But for now, I am here and alive and I am going to do the best I can to be a positive force in the universe.
Starting with the effing new job…