I apologize for my silence. But, and I say this with all sincerity, I have not been in any perceivable mode of existence since I took on this new job. Literally, I would have more free will and power over my own life if I were one of the Sims.
My entire being has been composed of waking up with just enough time to get showered and dressed and out of the door, then working my eight or more hours before coming home and collapsing from the mental exhaustion of my brain going around in circles all day. With the added bonus of more physical energy to make resting that much harder.
Not to be melodramatic or anything, but life for me has completely made a 180 and I don’t know how the hell it happened. And not in the sense that everything is opposite, but like everyone in the world has suddenly shifted to this completely screwed up perception that I couldn’t have imagined as a lowly retail flunky.
To go from a world where if your corpse was useful your ass went to work, to a world where if you have the sniffles or feel run down you can stay home and get paid to do so. And the concept of a busy day goes from one that leaves you breathless and completely drained at the end to one where you have to answer a few back to back phone calls while working on paperwork.
Honestly, it feels like I’ve entered the twilight zone. Where everything is so contrary yet so much better, and I’m just waiting for the horrific twist that has me being fed to the monster. Which is absolutely the worst feeling of all, because I can’t even enjoy the novelty of a peaceful and comfortable work environment.
It’s like I have retail PTSD, and I can’t help myself from the flashbacks of being on my toes all day fighting against the clock and the mountains of product to be ticketed and pushed. And somehow I’m waiting for them to reappear around a corner any day now.
Also, and this is a big part of all the internal drama, I don’t feel like I deserve this. Despite telling myself many times over and over again that they wouldn’t have hired me if they didn’t want me, and being told by my new co-workers several more times that I am doing a great job and that they are so happy to have me there.
And this feeling persists, even as they toss me new and harder challenges that I constantly conquer, I don’t feel like I belong. The office chit-chat, the nap like pace of the day, the complicating simple things like lighting and chairs. I might feel more at home in a foreign country than in this new work culture.
But something really great has come out of this experience. I am writing and reading a lot more. I don’t have to fight for the last bits of energy of the day to either clean up after myself or work on my novel. I can do both, because both my body and mind have enough energy to keep up with it all for the first time in my adult life.
Along with the fact that I have like three business days off, PAID, in November which also does not include the drama of another retail Christmas season. I might win me a NaNo yet! Famous last words I know, but considering what I have accomplished this year already in life and in writing there is more of a chance now than ever before.
Who knows, maybe this state gig is a stop gap to support me through writing my damn novel until it gets published and I become the American Douglass Addams or the Stephen King of comedic sci-fi. Or, the Piers Anthony of sci-fi without all the puns.
Weirder things have happened yah know…