I Know What It’s For


Another pop culture reference, enjoy if you get it.

So you’ve heard me go on and on about this swanky new job of mine, and how much more confusing it is. At least in retail, there is a solid goal you work towards. Get product on sales floor and then sell product. It doesn’t get any more complicated than that.

Don’t get me wrong, there are many challenges you face in retail. Mostly involving how to get things done around customers and how to get them done when both your hours are cut and your team calls out. But outside of common sense logistics, there isn’t really much thought process to it.

I was a natural in retail. I knew exactly how to budget my time and work where I could create the most impact. So much so that I was left on my own to run my own process with minimal supervision. Which I earned after consistently doing the work of two persons most days.

But this new gig of mine, wow. Complete 180. Going from physically moving faster than an average human to sitting still for nine hours staring at a computer screen hoping your brain can keep up. It took and is still taking a lot of adjustment.

The place taking the biggest hit is my brain. While underutilized in my former job, now not only is it engaged every minute of my shift but it is being forced to expand and be aware of things once beyond my comprehension. Somedays it’s a bit much for me to process.

Because my head wasn’t programmed naturally to their thought process I immediately felt out of place. Things I should have caught got dropped in the vast overload of information I was buried in, and I longed for a simple day of doing circuits around my store ticketing product.

But because I am my mother’s daughter, I kept at it. I couldn’t just cry uncle because it wasn’t as easy as before. So in spite of feeling every day that I wasn’t the right fit and that any day would be my last as I bumbled one more thing, I triumphed. I learned so much in my first six months, and continue to learn every day.

So why? Why did the universe plant me here in this uncomfortable position when I could keep on where I know everything inside and out while frankly being much more productive creative wise? I finally figured it out.

I kinda already knew in my first few weeks when I realized how mellow my new situation is, that the universe was getting me ready for some heavy mental work. But then I just had to trust what that work was for since I had no clue myself. And now that I know it seems proof more than anything that the universe works for good.

Years ago in the darkest days, before I had any hope of a real adult life, I still knew what my biggest failing was. I could never follow the process. I wanted to slam-bang against things in my path like a wrecking ball and get things done. I didn’t want to be delicate and thoughtful about anything.

Yet everything I wanted to accomplish in my life had to be delicate and thoughtful. Novel writing, painting, getting my license and a job. I couldn’t slow myself down and act decisively, I was a typhoon of emotion and rage. Which finally calmed down enough to achieve little more than half of that list.

To this day I still tend to slap shit together and see what happens, which is only slightly more deliberate than before. Bringing us back to the job I am in now, and thus the point of this whole post. I am where I am because it is teaching me how to be more delicate and thoughtful.

This job, while not a natural fit at first, is going to help me become the person I have always wished I can be. Whether or not it is successful in this or not remains up to me and how I take advantage of these opportunities. But I can’t say the universe never gave me the tools to make it happen!


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