It has been mentioned in my previous postings that I had a misconception that this part of my life was going to be easy. Just because certain aspects of it were easier than others.
I make more now, have plenty of paid time off so I never have less than 40 hours a week. I have a car that isn’t ready to fall apart. And I have definitive plans that will see me living in my own home within the next few years.
And it was nice while it lasted.
So while these things I once obsessed over are now effectively resolved, that in no way means that the universe is done shaping me. What’s happening now is just working in a new and palpitation generating direction. Mainly, myself and my less than stellar mental strength.
I have no authority, don’t want it. I have more than an aversion to power, I am like actively allergic to it. So in any situation where I can refer a decision to someone, I am totally hands off. Which either works really great for me or really really bad.
As far as adulting goes, this is really bad. I wait and see and contemplate decisions to the point that they are made for me. Before my trusty good beast died last summer, I spent months avoiding taking her in for inspection to postpone the possibility of getting a new car. That is until I blew a tire and had to spend a day getting her able to crawl to the mechanic only to find out she was toast.
The universe doesn’t let me play those games, and is very much shit or get off the pot with me. Which is why it paired me with my mother, who consequently decided for me that I was getting a car after she was forced to give me a ride home. That is just how things work.
It has tried gently teaching me this lesson, and I have stubbornly refused to take ownership of my life every damn time. Which brings me to the universes newest method of teaching me to take control of my life, my new job.
I thought it was going to be easy, sit butt in chair for eight hours and talk to people on the phone reciting programmed responses. And if I didn’t have the answer, toss it over to someone who does. But little did I know that it would come to me being expected to make decisions and determinations on my own and take responsibility for them.
This crushing realization occurring during an exceptionally tempestuous moment in my life as family drama abounds from all sides. Naturally, I’m feeling a little like a caged animal. Like I violently want to wrestle life back into some semblance of sanity. If only to appease my need to hit something.
By the way, violently slapping your own mattress in frustration is both hilarious and oddly satisfying. True fact.
So no, life, in fact, is not at some easy rest point. Or perhaps it was but is no longer. It’s time to level up again and forcefully hold my head back from going through the nearest wall.
And don’t dare ask me how my writing is going!